I Believe - No Time for Regrets - A 2011 Retrospective

I will always look back at 2011 as a year where I finally believed ... in myself and what I am truly capable of. I do not measure my success in monetary or status, but in the fact that I stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it a go, and no matter how I did and the many self doubts I had along the way, I spoke my mind and I achieved what I had never been able to do in the past - shut my personal harsh critics up - and believed I can make that difference.

It is significant year because of the various challenges I faced. As I grew up in a conformist culture and challenging is not part of my makeup, I truly believe that I would not have been able to do it without the love and support of my closest friends, John, Anne, Margaret, Robbie and Julie at work. I share this lesson here not to brag, but hopefully to inspire everyone that experienced the same kind of upbringing I did that you can, if you believe in yourself, and no one can take that away from you.


Regrets ... it is a word that I discovered I rarely used since my grandpa's death in 1994. I have learned to appreciate and let the people who mean much to me, know how much I love them before it is too late. This lesson has taught me well and thankfully, I have kept on the practice and hence I do not have regrets or worry that my family, relatives and friends do not know how much they mean to me, or that I love them.

As for regrets on other fronts, I have come to realise that it is all about "not doing". I am not preaching a "Thatcherism" here, but we have a choice at every cross road. Either we take it or we don't. There is neither time for regrets or time to ponder what the lost opportunities are, because we didn't take it. Sure, I can lament the fact that I still have not taken up singing lessons or brushed up on my Japanese, but I made that conscious choice this year, because I needed to concentrate on something else. It is a conscious choice I made and I take full responsibility for that. 

2011 will be remembered as one of those years where I sacrificed much of my pleasure for work, which is quite rare, considering that I value relationships over work. For the first time in ten years, I took no holiday home, and I thank my family for being so understanding and so supportive.

I have to thank my siblings for taking good care of my parents because I constantly feel inadequate as a son because I am not living with them, but I know I am also a better son because of this fact. The distance allows me to be more attentive and to devote and cherish our time together. I want to thank my brother for sponsoring my parent's trip which allowed me a great opportunity to spend quality time with them. It is a time that I truly enjoyed and will always hold close to my heart.

There is too much more to be thankful - good health, loving relationships, theatre, relatives and my friends, most of whom I have been able to stay in contact through Facebook. Though much evil has been spoken about this medium, most of which is true, I am still thankful for this avenue to allow me to stay in touch with all of you, and to be able to share this note and thank you for your friendship and your love. Though I have lost a good friend this year who will stay in my heart forever, I take on every experience as a new lesson that will learn me well.

What does 2012 bring, I do not know. What I do know is that I am armed with the best possible asset, which is a belief in myself and that I have a choice - to act or not to act. There is no time for regrets, so I will ensure that I will live every decision I make to the fullest.

Happy New Year to my loved ones - my family, relatives, friends. May 2012 bring good health, prosperity, love and inspiration!

Happy Chinese New Year

There are things that I like and dislike about Chinese New Year. Like most people, I look forward to the gathering of loved ones, the cheerfulness, the newness of everything and the glorious food. What I hate are the Chinese New Year songs which I thank God I only have to listen to during the day or week of Chinese New Year and the fact that the city becomes a ghost town for three days to a week before life recovers.

I am amazed that my friends, Leslie and Zing take the time from their busy work to travel back to Singapore to spend Chinese New Year with their family. It is their ritual. Unfortunately, I do not share the same enthusiasm though I get numerous invites from my family and relatives hoping to see me back to celebrate Chinese New Year "next year" whenever they see me.

Mum says that it is a wonderful time to catch up with everyone and have all the delicacies that are only available during this festive season. Like chocolate eggs and hot cross buns associated with Easter, we know that they are now usually available all year round, though the festivities add an extra flavour and excuse to binge.

Growing up, Chinese New Year always meant new clothes, new bed spreads, and love all around the house. I remember that we would be made to work like maids in the lead up and on the night before the actual day, we will be on all fours, wiping the floors right after Reunion dinner. Unfortunately, Mum didn't believe in mops because the floor wouldn't be clean enough, so "merrily" we did the chores, because we knew that the goodies would come after that.

Mum would always be busy with prayers during the entire night and after our chores, we would flop down onto the sofa and "enjoy" the variety program sprinkled with new interpretations of old Chinese New Year classics, the lion or dragon dances, and the occasional special guest star, none of which really interest me too much. We will try to stay up as late as possible because there was this superstition that the later the children went to bed the longer your parents would live. Not surprisingly, it was the only night that my parents never complained about us not going to bed. As I grew older, I ended up going out for midnight movies after doing my chores with my buddies though that ended after a few years because it started becoming too tiring trying to stay awake the next day at my relatives' house.

That was the best bit. Gathering, meeting, greeting and sometimes avoiding. Avoiding the questions that come when young about "How well did you do at school?" and later in life about the inevitable "When are you getting married?". It's like the only icebreaker because that it's all they seem to be capable of asking, instead of "So, what's going on in your life?" and not coupling with "Any girl(boy) friend yet?"

Society places too much emphasis on the equation between marriage and happiness and the direct proportion of each leading to an elixir of life, like enlightenment. Life focuses on telling us to search for the Right one, forgetting that relationships are really difficult things to handle. If we focus only on looking, and not the other skills of loving, caring, listening, and empathising, how can any union work?

Anyway, this is a post on CNY. So backtracking a little, this year, I did something different. For the first time in ten years, I posted CNY cards. Not only to my parents, which is the only ritual I follow, but to my uncles and aunties who have watched me grow up and taken care of me all these years. I used to just greet them happiness and prosperity over the phone during the day but I thought I might add that extra touch this year. I had no idea how they may respond, but it was rather overwhelming, when I spoke to all of them on the day itself, and they thanked me and also told me how happy they were to receive the card. It was a nice gesture and it made me feel warm and fuzzy.

I guess that to me, was my way of connecting with them, and showing that in spite of my absence, I have not forgotten them all. It was also my way towards showing my gratitude towards them for their love all my life and especially this past decade (Yes, it has been that long), and maybe a little forgiveness for not being there with them all.

I could tell that Mum was rather proud too, which made me feel good, but a phone call later made me feel for the first time that maybe she did really want to spend CNY with me. In a sombre voice, she lamented how she felt hurt whenever she thought about the "poor" life I led when I was a student, studying and working at the same time. And how I am such a poor thing now because she is not there to look after me. I let her share this because it was her way of expressing her "sorrows", but all mothers have to learn to let go at some point.

Coming here and doing all that was tough, but it made me sit up, learn and be strong. I could never have learned as much about life, if I didn't have those experiences, and I think it made me a better human being. One of my biggest regret is that my sister never had a chance to live a couple of months all by herself before she got married and learn to be more independent and stronger in life. I can only stand by her and be strong for her, as much as she will allow me.

It was one of the toughest periods of my life but I proved to myself that I could do it if I believed in myself strong enough. I let her know all that, except the bit about my regret, so that hopefully she would feel better about herself, but I guess, mothers will always want to be mothers.

I spend CNY nowadays with my different group of friends. I may have to work on the day itself but I can still indulge in my little customs that may not involve everybody. I am happy, and I guess that is the most important thing of all. As long as the spirit of CNY lives in my heart, then no matter where I am, the memories of me celebrating with my family and relatives will always be with me.

Lastly, I am going to end this on a special and happy note by sharing one of the very few, maybe the single CNY song I can withstand listening to. A very happy Chinese New Year too all. May all of you be blessed with love, happiness and prosperity!

恭喜发财, 年年有余，
新年快乐，万事如意，
身体健康，心想事成。

Happy New Year

Growing up, New Years Eve was always a time for celebration, big celebrations ... wondering if there was any way to top what I did last year, more exciting adventures, huge crowds, you name it, I've thought of it. I remember dancing on Orchard Road when they closed down the street during my teens or just a phone call with my best friend Terence then, joking that we managed to stay on the phone for a year, as the clock ticked past twelve. Australian memories include celebrating with a huge crowd of strangers at the Rocks which led to sleeping on Manly Beach, and also the posh function at Sydney Opera House, which I never felt lonelier.

In the past year, I came to the realisation that nothing will mean more than the intimacy of friends and loved ones. The most mundane "routine" of gathering with the same people we love will be the ones that we will remember and miss most.

I would like to thank my loving family, relatives and all my friends for the wonderful year that you have given me. I am indeed a very blessed man. Lastly, here's wishing all of you a loving, healthy and prosperous 2008! May you always experience the simple joys of loving, giving and sharing.

Love,

Jamez