Happy Birthday Jen!

Happy Birthday my dearest sister. May you always stay young, beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving as you are.

I have to exclaim, "Isn't it wonderful how our relationship has progressed over the past year as the kids grow older?". You are growing up to be a loving, responsible and wonderful mother who is always ready to place Joy and Joshua above you, and even if they may not be able to appreciate in words right now, I believe I speak for them from my "objective eyes".

I can see how the two of them have blossomed and I thank you for taking on the challenges that I had presented, like a "back seat parent" sometimes, which makes me as an uncle and brother, feel really treasured and loved. I can't always be there, and there have been times when I have been caught in the "heat" too when I am playing with them, and I understand the rationale to vent, but I have learned that these are episodes that take a long time to rewind in the minds of the impressionable.

I totally understand the pressures of "getting it right" and I have to say now that it isn't always black and white, but if we can let the anger past us by, and not blind us, we will always be able to make a more educated decision.

I trust your decision, your parenting, your love and have confidence in everything that you decide as a course of action. This is how proud I am of who you are, not only as a sister, but fundamentally, as a human being. You are strong. After all, anyone who has been through natural child birth without epidural has gone through one of life's biggest and most dangerous challenges, and nothing should faze you again.

I wish you love, happiness, prosperity and lots of joy that causes you to smile from the bottom of your heart. The laughter that brightens up not only yours but the lives of everyone around you. That is the wonderful effect you have on others. Thank you so much for the lessons of life and love I continue to learn from you, and the generosity of sharing two wonderful beings with me. I love you so much. Happy Birthday!

Me@37

I have to say firstly that it is luxury to not have to work for the rest of the year. Work has been rather hectic and combined with other stresses, I have been to preoccupied to blog at all. I have also been spending more time on Facebook and have been uploading most of our Europe trip, very leisurely, hanging to every last thread of memory ...

It is now officially almost the beginning of my 37th year. Every year as I mature, the material things in life become less and less important, and I am reminded constantly of the importance of the relationships in my life.

I have been really so lucky to have real friends. People who truly love and care for me, and are not afraid to be there for the difficult times. I am not be financially well off, but I know that I will never walk alone, or will I ever worry that I will fall and shatter, because my friends will always be there to catch. Thank you all so much for making my life so wonderful and warm.

I really feel my parents love, my wonderful Dad and Mum. Such wonderful human beings whom I love so much, and love me back. What more can one ask for. I may complain once in a while about my sheltered life, but I learnt so many lessons of love from them and my siblings that I spent a good part of my life, learning to live, love, give and share. Now that I have two other darlings in my life, my beautiful nephew and niece, I am still learning how to love and give more.

A final special mention must also go to my beloved grandma, whom I still miss so much. I wish you were here to see me now. You have always been so proud of me, even when I "loathed" myself, so I really feel like I want to share my happy life with you now. I know that you are there looking over my shoulder and hopefully wearing your warm smile. I want to repay your kindness because I know I would not be who I am without you, but I guess I'll just have to keep living my life to the fullest and making sure that I am happy. I am ... I really am.

Party@37 Photos - It took me a long time to be convinced that it was a good idea to celebrate my birthday at home because I didn't want to work. I succumbed to the idea after I realised how much more quality time I could spend with my friends, and it was also a great way to say "Thank You" to them.

Happy Birthday My Little Darlings

It was Joshua's 4th birthday on the 9th April and Joy's 6th birthday tomorrow and I can't think of a better way to wish them Happy Birthday (besides the presents I had already sent) than a couple of blog posts about them. This is also in part, inspiration from my fellow cousins who have been blogging about their babies, and I thought it is my turn to show off the two loves of my lives.

As you may know, I am a baby lover, so I relished all opportunities to capture them on my camera, be it photos or videos whenever I am back in Singapore. This usually serves me well in Sydney when I get to look at them via my screensaver or have a couple of chuckles when I review the videos again, like I just did, to select a couple of my favourites to share. I love this video technology, that is now cheaper and accessible to more people, and is a wonderful way to capture a memory, because there is nothing that tells more than a moving picture.

Even when I was younger and back in Singapore, I wondered what I was like when I was little. Too little to really remember my thoughts and behaviour. Hence, I love to capture them in motion, especially when they are not really watching. As they grow older, it becomes harder, because they learn all the silly tricks and try to poke faces at the camera. Still, I managed to capture some really precious videos of them which my Mum and sister really enjoyed when I finally burnt them on all a disc and uploaded it onto the family computer.

Even though I may not be around all the time with the two of you, I can't tell you how proud I am of the two of you, and how much I love you both. I wish I could be around the two of you more often, to watch you grow and blossom, but sometimes, we can't help the way things are, which may be difficult to explain to you, but I hope you will understand when you reach my age. Strange as it may sound, this distance in some ways also helps to accentuate the relationship that we share, because I feel that I am able to spend so much more quality time with the two of you when I am back around you both, and I cherish every single moment down to the second.

I know that every time I see you both again, you would most likely have grown a year older, and will inevitably grow further apart, which is an acceptable part of life. Hopefully, I will always be able to connect with you both, and treat you both always with love and respect, because there is nothing I can do or say that will express my love and gratitude, and the ways you have taught me to love more than I could ever know. Happy Birthday, my little darlings! May you always embrace life and love as you do now and never be afraid to explore what life may bring along your way. I will always love you both.

Happy Birthday My Little Brother

Happy Birthday Julian.

This feels like a follow up on the "failures of my youth as a brother" series. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was probably unconsciously jealous of the closer relationship you had with Jen. I remember vaguely trying to shower my love on you as a baby because you were unanimously known as the cutest in the family and how everyone would try to pick you up and kiss you, and how you hated every minute of it. Mum used to tease that I have the scars to show on my face, which in some ways, didn't really help in my already low self esteem, but that was in some ways, my "futile" attempts to love you.

In my attempt to fit in with my friends, I may have neglected you as a brother when you joined the same school as I did. It may also be an subconscious attempt to shield you from their nasty behaviour including their ability to influence and conquer the minds of the others in my class, and to ostracise. I hated being so weak and so "untalented" in the things that mattered (like soccer) and having the riches to show off then, so I didn't want them to have an extra reason to pick on you. My shame alone was enough for me to bear, a misfit in this world then finding solid ground to stand on. I also felt that you probably enjoyed being yourself, not as my brother, so my "ignorance" might have been a preferred solution.

I remember our younger days with fun, laughter and tears. Fun with us playing all the time, and sometimes working too, helping Mum with cutting off the loose thread off the sewing that she had to take on to help with the family finances, and I remember that you were always the best at that. The days when you would learn a new slang at school and come back and tease me about it. Remember the "fat chicken" comment that you picked up, and how we used it on each other, until Mum stormed in, told me the correct meaning of the word, and how we nodded in silence that we were never going to use it again, only to signal it in silence when she left. How we used to be caned for being naughty, and how you would always find her hiding places and throw all the canes, and look in glee while she frantically searches for one. The sweeping of the cane under the toilet doors while we cling onto each other in fear. It's all pretty funny now, but not then. ;-)

The day you decided that you were going to be a Methodist was also the day that I felt my young brother had grown up and I have lost that mischievous boy that I lovingly call my brother. I had to look at you differently because you dared to stand up to Mum and declare your difference and indifference to Grandma's wishes. Bless her that she never knew or Dad will never get over her nagging. I love you for daring to be different and I can only hope that this decision gave you the freedom to be who you want to be because I will always love you for who you are, no matter what you choose to be.

You took on a more stoic stance and lost all that mischief that used to define you, in my mind. Our friends find it impossible to believe that you were the playful one that we were growing up because I felt that you seemed to take on the role of the elder brother with this new found religion.

Still, I thank God and my lucky stars and you came over to Australia to study after me, because it was my first opportunity to fulfill my wishes as a big brother to you. I enjoyed those intimate conversations and times we had, and as little as they were, I thank you for accepting me for who I am. I wish we had more opportunities to grow our relationship, and I know I am partly to blame for the current "stagnant" stage, so I am trying to make a change.

I also want to thank you for your sacrifice in going back to Singapore and I want you to know that you will not be left alone with the duty of looking after our folks. I will definitely do my part. I also hope you will be able to rediscover your true loves and work in the field that you truly desire to be in, where your passions lie, because you are so talented in art. If you can free yourself of the responsibilities you tie yourself down with, and dare to dream a little, you may be able to take that on as a course to start off, and then eventually your career. It's not that I am not confident that you will excel in your current work, but that I hopefully know you well enough to know what you'd rather be doing.

I may have spoken too much, but I believe I can only take these baby steps to get to know you better. To get a key to your heart and allow you to feel safe enough to confide in me someday. For now, I will just be thankful that you will allow me to do this slowly, without slamming the door in my face.

You are a wonderful brother. You may not express your love as openly as I do, but you probably feel just as much love, if not more, and I want everyone here to know that you have your own way of doing so, and I respect that. I admire your integrity and loyalty to the family and your friends, and your dedication to make all our lives better, even if it means sacrificing some aspects of your own. This is one of your greatest virtues, and I am honoured to have you and Jen as my siblings. To be able to grow up in such an environment of love, I am both very lucky and also very unlucky, to be unable to make quick bucks writing about my "poor" childhood, like some famous authors have.

Thank you for everything you have brought to my life and I can't wait to see how our story spans. For your birthday, I am wishing you love, happiness and luck in everything you set out to do and be. Spread your wings my little brother and embrace love. Be less afraid of falling because Jen and I will always be there to catch.

Happy Birthday My Lovely Sister

Happy Birthday my beautiful sister.

You were my perfect "partner in crime" though you were always too good to be bad, if you know what I mean. Since I am almost three years older than you are, and I grew up practically alone until you came along, I can't really remember playing with you while you were a baby. I do remember our years together as children, playing games with our neighbours and cousins downstairs or along the corridors of our flat, and especially how we were angry with Julian once, and in a fit of anger and frustration, how he stormed back to our flat, only to be trapped in the lift. It was funny to us then, but not so much later when we both received a scolding from Mum for abandoning him.

I also remember how you would always stand up brave and purchase toy cars for Julian, who was always too shy to go into the store himself. You would always have your revenge when you would shout from the store with the car in your hand, pretending that you weren't sure, back to Julian who would probably be hiding near a bush, if that was the right purchase. I remember the secret delight that we both share from watching him squirm and run away immediately, but he wouldn't let us go later with his signature stares and pinches that we would suffer.

I don't know why it wasn't me because I was more like a spectator withdrawn, looking into this more intimate relationship that you share with him. Maybe, subconsciously, I was a little jealous of the two of you, or that I was trying to find my place in this world, constantly being reminded by Mum to set an example for the two of you, that I felt a little more isolated, as a result of that.

I know that I wasn't a good example of a brother because I don't think I showered my love or was capable of sheltering you or Julian, and I can only hope that I did my share in my adult years to make it all up. The only time I can remember doing so is playing truant with you for our English tuition lessons with Mrs Pathirana.

I feel guilty sometimes for doing that because she looked like she needed the money, and also because we lied to Dad and Mum. I think it was my rebellion against being cooped up in a birdcage and constantly being monitored and told what to do. Ah ... I guess it's all part of growing up. Still, part of me will never regret doing that because it was our little world that I created, and for once, I did not have to compete with anyone else. It was our secret until it was exposed. We paid a price for it, but nothing can take away the joys I felt, the first time I can remember being a good brother to you, in spite of the irony.

If there was anything I can undo and relive again, I wish that you had the opportunity like Julian and I to travel to another country and lead an independent life before you got married. The time away from our comfort zones allowed us to see ourselves for who we are, to realise and believe in what we are truly capable of. I wish you realise what a strong, wonderful, loving, giving and beautiful person you truly are, contrary to what you may believe. I hope it is not too late for you to realise that only you can make a decision on what you want in life. If you should ever need any love and support, I will always be there for you.

So, for your birthday this year, I wish you strength, love, happiness, and opportunities to many wonders of this world, be it to travel or thrilling self discovery. Thank you for everything that you bring to my life, the joys, the pain, everything, especially my beautiful niece and nephew, whom I adore, as if they were mine. Thank you for accepting and loving me just for who I am, not who you want me to be. I want you to know that I love you very much as well.

As I mentioned on the night of your wedding, there is no one else that I can think of as a better sister and friend, and I want to be there for you if you should ever feel you need someone to hang on to. Thank you Jen.

36歳の誕生日 - My Little Birthday -

I have been telling everyone this year I'm 36 that when I finally turn it today, it no longer feels too much of a surprise. The lines on my face are more evident, my strength is slowly diminishing, but my spirit lies happier. Happier because I have discovered that the secret to my happiness is me and my relationships.

My relationships with every beloved member of my family, relatives, and friends, all of whom grace my everyday life and fill my heart with so much happiness when I think of the lovely times we share, and the ones that we are about to experience. I have lost some along the way, but this loss only reinforces my focus in life.

I may not have much riches or position in the superficial world to boast about, but if our achievements are judged by love, then I know I am a very rich man. Therefore, for my birthday, I can only wish for happiness and good health, not only for myself, but for everyone around me that I love, so that the lines on my face will not deepen with worry, but be filled with laugh lines as we share our love and our joy. Thank you.

A final special mention to my mother who gave birth to me 36 years ago, suffering almost 20 hours of labour. Thank you for bringing me into this flawed but beautiful world, and everyone for teaching me "the art of giving".