Grey

One of my favourite pastimes is reading and revisiting old memories, because I believe they can lead to self-discoveries. I can do so by talking to my parents, reading books, articles on the internet and due to the fact that I am also a nostalgic person, I like to watch old movies and access old articles on the internet, especially those during my past years. One never knows what treasures we can stumble upon.

I have a growing collection of old movies which I can share only with some of my friends and mostly my sister, who is back in Singapore, about the old TV series and comics that we used to watch. They include old Chinese movies like 爱的天地, 汪洋中的一条船, 小城故事 to old Japanese cartoons like キャンデイ·キャンデイ, 花の子るンルン, and series like 赤い疑惑, おしん, and most recently 庭院深深. My Mum did not share my enthusiasm when I copied some of the older Chinese movies for her, just in case she wanted to watch, and all she said was “So old. I don’t want to see them.” That is so typical of my mother. LOL. Perhaps that is why I always admired my friend Zing when we were in our teenage years when he told us how he would have discussions with his mother about new material from 早見優 and 松任谷由実. Leslie and I were so envious, but we were also conscious that the “grass is always greener on other pastures”.

I am still looking for old series like the late 70’s version of 生徒諸君, 赤い衝撃 and 俺たちの旅 but unfortunately, there are no Chinese subtitled versions available and my Japanese is not good enough for me to take a risk with buying the originals, because I will only get frustrated. I guess this desire and my fellow VAMPire buddies have spurred me on to pick up Japanese again, for the umpteenth time. I am tyring to do some self study because there is no one else to accompany me to class, but I will see how that goes, and may eventually enrol in some courses when I have revised a little more. Wish me luck!

However, if anyone has any lobang (as in tips) on how to source these Chinese subtitled versions – I hate dubbed versions, but will lower my standards if left with no choice, I will be most appreciative.

The reason of this post is not to source for suggestions, but just to share my reflection on how reviewing these old memorabilia has helped me realise how our perspectives change with time. I am not talking about a change of taste in genre. I still enjoy them relatively, but I am more interested in how our opinions were shaped by our increasing life experiences.

It is easier to differentiate between right and wrong, black and white with classical conditioning, but once we experience life, opinions can confuse and change dramatically, especially in regards to human behaviour and feelings. Like Akina sings in 北ウィング, “Love is a mystery”, and so is life. Even when we tell ourselves that a feeling of jealousy or rage is wrong or an undesirable trait, there is no toggle switch for us to operate between the two mediums effortlessly. We are not built for these functions.

One important life lesson I learned is empathy and not judge others by the roles we play. Take for example the undesirable and socially unacceptable role of the third party in a relationship. It is a most painful place to be caught in, and most of the time, we enter into such situations without knowing, and only when we have sunk too deep, that we realise that we couldn’t pull ourselves out as easily and be as noble as we previously thought ourselves to be. Life changes when we get caught in experiences like this. We learn to understand, interpret and look from a different perspective that we had never seen before. Life is indeed many shades of grey.

I rediscovered this watching 庭院深深. It’s terribly long and the story a little too wishy washy, but I still enjoyed it because I love 刘雪华. I think she is a great actress. When I finally found this DVD, I was ecstatic because I wanted to rediscover why I liked this series when I first watched it on TV in 1988. What amazed me was how I found empathy for the other (hateful) woman caught in the love triangle and I actually shed a few tears for her at the end. I remember vividly that I did not feel that way when I first watched it. Maybe it is an understanding of how painful it is, when our love is not accepted. Too many people focus on the reciprocation of an act like love. I think that though it is wonderful for love just to be accepted and appreciated by someone. I believe "Thank You" can be a gift in itself.

Onto more superficial discoveries, watching these movies and series has also led me to reaffirm the type of women I like. Talent aside, I am drawn to celebrities with poise. They may not have to be pretty but they must have poise, which means I tend to exclude “cute” and especially burrikos (Seiko is an exception because I enjoyed her earlier songs). Which is why I was especially drawn to celebrities like Akina Nakamori 中森明菜, Momoe Yamaguchi 山口百恵, Imai Miki 今井美樹, Judy Ongg, Maggie Cheung 张曼玉, 刘雪华, 曾慧芬, Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda and Michelle Pfeiffer to name a few.

I wonder if anyone else shares my passion for revisitations and rediscoveries, or am I stuck in the past instead of looking towards the future?

Free Myself

I was watching the ABC program "Enough Rope" last night and it was an interview with the comedian Dawn French. She mentioned the following that really struck a chord with me:

"I have never spent my life looking for approval from people I don’t respect, or people whose approval I will never get, I can’t be bothered to waste time doing that, but the approval of people I really love, like Jennifer, like Lenny, like my Father, is the most delightful thing when you get and I did get lots of it which is great"

I have my fair share of seeking approvals in my life, and I know that I have many friends who love me for who I am, but there are always some people whom I will always try my best or way beyond my best, and still feel inadequate.

I am learning to care less about what other people say about me and my actions. I have learnt that there are "battles" worth fighting, and there are some that have the potential to leave me "wounded" and upset, and that I should just leave them instead of trying to soothe my ego.

Only when I can exercise my will to do as I please, with an understanding that I will not harm others, will I be free myself.

Do You Remember?

The days when we anticipated the release of the next issue of magazines where we could browse through what happened last week in the entertainment world? Maybe not you, but I remember the good o'l days when my best friend Leslie and I would rush to Kinokuniya on Thursday afternoons after school because that was the day the Japanese magazines would be out. The anticipation ...

The days when we went to the CD shop to check out new releases and debate on what we should spend our pennies on? We didn't have the internet, so we relied on newspapers and magazines to tell us what releases are due and how we can only place orders via the vendor and pray that it would eventually arrive. The lingering ...

The days when we listened to an album on our cassette or CD player more than once. This seems impossible in today's world where everything is just so transient. I love my iPod and its ability to carry my entire music catalogue (all 70 GB of music - yes I'm obsessive), but I realised recently that I rarely listen to a full album in its entire glory more than once now. I chanced upon some old albums that I loved when I was younger and remembered how many times I listened to it over and over again. How did I do it then? Didn't I get sick of the repetition? Maybe it was having the time to savour till the next best thing came along, but I recall the many times I easily dismissed something and then learnt the value of it later along with repetition. The perseverance ...

I guess we all move along with these times, where nothing is moving fast enough, and we are constantly rushing from point to point, rushing to be the first to post a piece of news, the first to comment, the first to review, the first to join. In this process, are we forgetting the value of slowing down, and the many discoveries we can explore with time. Are we too fast to judge?

I just hope that we will never ever judge a book just by its cover, give it time to nuture, and savour the colours of goodness that may take some time to blossom. When I look back at the memorable times of my life, it is the tougher or touching moments I savour that I remember, not the fleeting moments of happiness that I can never recall.

Me and My Reflection

I watched the delightful comedy "Juno" yesterday evening, mindful of the warning that this is the only Best Picture Oscar nominee of 2008 that has a happy ending. It was touted as this year's "Little Miss Sunshine", which I enjoyed as well, but felt a slight disappointment when I watched the latter movie because I had already laughed at the key scenes in the many times I viewed the trailer. It is a problem when I watch so many movies during the Oscar season, trying to squeeze in as many screenings, that it is inevitable that we can watch the same trailer in excess of eight times.

I was cautious not to lay too high expectations on the movie, a lesson learnt last year, and I was quietly delighted. Both with the modern and clever script, and also the cast, especially the young Ellen Page, who embodied the weirdly charming lead character of Juno. She is a misfit and she reminded me so much of a dear friend with the same quick cutting wit. A total individual.

I wondered whether it would be a good idea to recommend it, but what angle would I take? Like Juno, she takes joy in being different, and for me, it was like watching her younger years unfold in front of me, except the storyline of the teen pregnancy. Not that Juno was mindless, but that she would be a little too clever and poised for something like that.

It is difficult to recommend a movie as "You will love this movie because the lead character is so you". What if they didn't like the character? Wouldn't that land me in deep social soup? Would we like seeing someone who we or others identify with ourselves, who is not a hero of sorts? It's like saying we're all Charlottes from the TV series "Sex & The City". Some may identify themselves with Samantha for her frivolous behaviour that may make a skank look cool, but prim, proper and prudish Charlotte? Have you ever heard anyone say "I'm definitely Charlotte" if they were asked to pick someone who they resemble most from the cast?

It's not like Juno is Charlotte. She is far from it, but she does have her idiosyncrasies and she is no social darling. I can safely and bravely say that there are elements of Charlotte in me, but am I totally like her? I don't know. It's up to someone else to make that judgment. Do we have fundamental dislike for characters that expose parts of ourselves that we least like? Why do we feel uncomfortable when someone links us with someone that we have never identified with, and come to the conclusion that the person is probably and most likely deluded. Is it like B.O. that only someone else can identify, not us?